You were sitting on a gold mine
with no shovel to dig
Dating a girl with tri-focal
ball headed with a wig
Curves like a syrup bottle
& her feet were too damned big
You took her to the nightclub
she tried to dance a jig
You took her for a makeover
on the Maury show
One quick look at her features
& the producer said hell no
He said I'm not in the field
of reconstructive surgery
Getting help for her
requires that you go further than me
You need construction labor's grinders
& a plainer for sure
Just to grind down her toe nails
for a French pedicure
They'll need a case of Just for men
to help get rid of the gray
That looked crappy
like a big old nappy halo every day
The girl has bunions big as onions
& she's pigeon toed too
Corns & calluses & fungus
in a size fourteen shoe
She had bags above her feet
that I referred to as kankles
at sixteen pounds a piece
you just can't see them as ankles
she had a squatty little body
that was bout as tall as round
when she stood up she looked like
Alfred Hitchcock sitting down
she had a booty in front
two extra knees in the back
& a bubble in her cleavage
that looked like a butt crack
Her lips were so big
they tripped her up when she spoke
& she was always the brunt
of every Mick jagger joke
with a continuous dandruff
that kept her head itching
& Ringworms so big
you could use them for fishing
she had a permanent rash
that she blamed on psoriasis
but its only in her crotch area
please tell me why is this?
she was missing her neck
her chin went straight to her chest
she had a fro around her nipples
so I didn't say breast
she had a forest on her thighs
that she had never once shaved
& kept a medicine bottle
of all the blackheads she'd saved
Friends called her wobbly bubble head
& Freda Flintstone
From her earliest childhood
& now that she's grown
She's a pleasure to talk to
when you speak on the phone
But in face-to-face meetings
they were soon to be gone
