Muffled dialogue, a shout, squeaking, a stairwell, rusty and old
An alley, distant lighted windows, horns beeping,
Chimes, restaurant doors open, car doors slam
Traffic swishing, the putter of sliding windows, conversations, footsteps
And then something happens…
A pause...
A hurried silence...
It is quiet...
A timid rustle of leaves in the breeze...
And I can finally think...
I want to cry...
God has given me gifts
Gifts that I, and I alone own and appreciate...
Yes, I thank him everyday
A spoken gratitude, a nod, a hug, a whisper
For my children
For those that love me
And those that have helped me
I do remember all of you
In a billion silent words, a hundred of them spoken
And I pause...
I want to cry....
It is something I must do...
For God has given me a history
A history I wish to change
He has given me a conscience
One that tires of the struggle for right
He has given me free will
And I cannot choose to use it freely
He has given me morality
Always fearing I cannot live up to its expectations
He has given me a heart
For which beats harder and longer for those other than me
He has given me courage
Often a masked lie for my fears and insecurities
He has given me talents
Which I have put aside for practicality
He has given me compassion
For which I continually criticize for its interference
He has given me strength
Which weakens me often, beyond mass and bone
He has given me drive
Which too often brings me back to the beginning
He has helped me to understand the art of resiliency
Forever bearing stringency as my keeper
He has shown me the need for creative thought
Leaving me channeling every effort into a masterpiece…
Which too often… only my eyes can see
He has taught me rejection
Leaving me yearning more for acceptance
He has taught me vulnerability
And I learn ways to fight its feel
He is teaching me the art of patience
But I remain too impatient to learn
He has shown me that when one door closes, another one opens
And I continually feel like I am closed in
I have felt beauty and love for nature and the delicate earth
But continue to minimize its impact on my mind, body, and spirit
He has shown me miracles in denominations that continually change
And I continually cry out for a helping hand
I have felt appreciation for the good in my life
But continue to remain burdened by the bad
Many times I cry, and complain about the type of family I did not have as a child
Forgetting to realize that it is not the type or the amount that grounded me,
But the quality that enabled me to spring up from
I so often feel like I am the only one trying very hard to accomplish much in my life
That I forget to look back into the past, that was once my childhood
I so often feel like I am alone in the adversity that confronts me always
Forgetting it is still fueling my passions
Many times over my lifetime I have swam willingly into the waters of self-pity
Only to realize it's suffocating hold
Oftentimes, I've become overwhelmed by the circle of change constantly surrounding me
Only to realize that a square just does not suit me
And lastly…
So often, I have wished for a chance to sit with God to ask him what he wants from me?
A dreamlike vision of a conversation, which would answer the purpose to my existence and finally... why am I here?
And after my tears, my anger, my resentment, and feelings of failure…all subside
The only answer I could come up with was...
What newness will tomorrow bring and what will I learn from it?
